Running for Congress
I'm running for Congress. My future is sunny.
Once I'm elected, I'll make loads-no, truckloads of money.
Lobbyists will pay me to vote this way or that.
I'll go with who has the most money, no matter what the vote is for.
If they want to put nuclear waste in my district and they offer me big money,
I'll just argue to the home folks that it'll create jobs in the district galore!
If they want to build something in my district that pollutes the air
and puts forth so much smoke that you can hardly see,
well, I'll feel bad about all the kids and old folks that'll die,
but glad about all the benefits for me!
I'm running for Congress, but that's not the best news yet.
You see, the longer I stay there, the richer I'll get.
And if I can last five years in the House, well, I really can't despair.
I'll have a pension for life, great health insurance, and all that under-the-table money
that I made while I was there.
But I won't return to my district. With all its nuclear waste and pollution,
that wouldn't be fun. So maybe I'll move to YOUR district,
and if there's a vacancy in Congress, well, I just may run.
I'm running for Congress and if you ask me why,
I'll tell you I'll be the best politician that anyone's money can buy.
A Party
A party, so says the definition, is a gathering for a celebration.
That definition does not describe either one of the two major
political parties in our nation.
Republicans don't seem at all festive and Democrats can be almost dour,
unless either party's candidate has just given the opposition
a one-two punch and is now the popular politician of the hour.
In that case, there's reason to celebrate and push that person
to the top of the class while we berate the opposition,
call them every expletive we can think of, and kick them in the ass.
It's great to step on your opponent when he's down,
criticize him, ostracize him, push his face into the ground.
So instead of something festive like a party, let's put on the brakes
and call these groups what they act like; political mistakes.
The Democratic Mistake and Republican Mistake are quite similar, you see;
their mouths say they care about their constituents
while their actions say “ME! ME! ME!”
So if you don't want to elect a mistake
every two, four or six years, in the fall,
perhaps you should consider the candidate
who claims no party at all.
Fixing Congress
Every politician running for office, who's advertising himself/herself on the
Internet or t-v, should have to list all contributing groups and corporations
and the amount they gave, before the ad content runs,
lest we forget exactly who their sponsors are.
Any donation of a personal sort, if it's over
a certain amount, should be listed there too.
The politician might say “that's not fair! The more money I earn,
the longer the preface and the shorter the ad.”
We'll say, “It is fair for us to know who wants you to win,
and if you don't like it, that's too bad!”
How much are donations from chemical companies worth? You know,
those makers of pesticides and herbicides who are poisoning the earth.
Okay, maybe we'd say it nicer than that. It never pays to be surly or rude, but
when you're dealing with elected officials, it doesn't hurt to have an attitude.
They can campaign with a flourish, a wave and a smile.
We'll let them. What's the fuss?
As long as they remember, WE'RE the ones who hired them,
We, the People!
THEY WORK FOR US!
Gnomes
Three gnomes on a hillside guard my garden gate
in outfits red, white, and green.
With a smile on each little face,
they welcome friendly creatures in,
and chase away those who are evil, corrupt, who do not belong in this place.
Where else might we plant some guardian gnomes?
How about in Washington, D.C.?
Plant one hundred gnomes by the White House,
and for Congress, a thousand might do.
They'd be kept busy chasing evil and corruption,
toiling day and night, working their little gnome butts off
for all of us, me and you.
Fixing Congress #2
Jefferson envisioned a Congress where each man would serve a term,
and his neighbors would tend his farm while he did his duty in Washington.
That never happened, I'm sorry to say,
but we could change some things about Congress
that might even please Jefferson, if he were to drop by today.
First: term limits. For the House, it's two.
For the Senate, one six year term will do.
No fancy health insurance. Everyone has the same insurance and medical plan.
It's good enough for Congress, as well as the common woman, common man.
No taking money from anyone, not from lobbyists,
not from PAC's for your campaign.
You take money, you go to jail; it's not complicated. It's that plain.
While you're in Congress, you'll all live in a big hotel.
Don't worry. In the summer your room will be cool, in the winter it'll be warm,
but you'll live there alone, no family,
and it'll be run kind of like a dorm.
We'll know what you eat and what you drink,
but you're free to read and think whatever you choose.
You'll be tested (and reports issued) at least monthly for drugs or
whether you've indulged in too much booze.
I forgot to mention that political parties have changed a lot;
you run according to how you feel about the issues that affect your district.
You'll be popular, never fear.You can't be unpopular
and still pass that vote of confidence that's required at the end of your first year.
What's in it for you?
At the end of your term, no pension, but you'll be well-paid,
and you'll know you helped your country succeed.
You acted our of personal beliefs and love of Democracy
and not out of personal greed.
Fixing the Presidency
Presidents want to be popular; it's the one thing they want to do best.
They like campaigning, hand-shaking, smiling and waving,
while they're secretly hoping that they'll never be put to the test.
A “figurehead” accurately describes most of what they've become.
Speech-giving may be their biggest chore,
but they don't even write their own speeches any more.
Their job description includes looking presidential
and trying not to say too much that sounds dumb.
Let’s do something similar to what the Brits do!
The party in power will choose a woman or man
to be president; Congress makes the selection
and we'll have votes of confidence every few years,
no more presidential elections;
no veeps, no conventions. Here, here!
Waiting
Waiting patiently for the world to explode.
We know that's the ultimate fate of all of us on this planet, in this place.
We'd like to change things but we don't have the power,
and those that do have no desire to quench the aggression;
and they don't care if the world blows up in another hour
as long as they have the last word, the final say in the argument.
Does it matter if the planet is destroyed?
Not if the good guys win, they answer, not if we drop more bombs than they do.
We'll wipe out all life forms, but if our side wins
we'll go out with big grins, as we pat our kids on their heads and say,
“sorry you don't get to grow up and have to die instead,
but the point is, dear daughter, dear son, we fought to the death
and our side won!”